Attack of the Killer Carrots

Attack of the Killer Carrots

I am being stalked by a vegetable gone wrong. A once peaceful root vegetable, the Daucus carota, or carrot, in layman’s terms, has become the stuff of nightmares for me. How, might you ask, could such a humble source of beta-carotene evoke such fear in my heart?

I’ll tell you why…

Because I am a clarinetist…

And someone thought it was a good idea to stick a bell into the end of a carrot, drill some holes, and turn said carrot into a clarinet. The turning of the screws was the next step…the videotaping of the man committing this crime against humanity (or at least clarinetists) and posting it on the Internet, where it has cycled in and out of popularity for years. Years, I tell you.

And this brings me back to my dilemma as a clarinetist. I am on Facebook and I have over a thousand well-meaning friends who want to share the carrot clarinet with me…often with multiple postings a day. Stop and ponder that for just a moment and you will understand why I am teetering on the brink of insanity.

I rarely open my Facebook account or messenger without being greeted by the carrot clarinet video, accompanied by a cheery message,

“You just have to see this! Wow!”

No, I really don’t.

Now, don’t get me wrong- the first time or so that I encountered the carrot clarinet when some students sent it to me, I thought it was pretty cool. However, somewhere on the road to close to over a hundred viewings, the carrot clarinet lost its charm. Now it just shows up to taunt me, its chipper melodies grating on my soul like nails against a chalkboard. I start twitching when I see a notification that so and so has shared a video with me, because I know what’s coming.

There’s no stopping the attack of the killer carrot- But if I ever meet the man who thought this was a good idea….well, let’s just say there will be some julienning in his future.

I know you are dying to see it, so here is my gift to you…

But please…please- I beseech you, don’t return the favor.  I love you all, but just one more video viewing and I will be in fetal position in the corner, drooling and mumbling, “What’s up, Doc?” And that would just be sad.

It could be worse…Dan found a video of a condom bagpipe. Sweet Mother of God…don’t get me started on that.

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