I have been distracted and going inward a lot recently. I actually got a bit scared on my short drive to work yesterday as I was so deep in thought that I almost had an accident. On a three minute drive. Not good. So much is swirling around right now with the end of the semester approaching next week and all of the stresses that come with it. I also have some dear friends struggling with difficult and emotionally challenging life events, and there are other things looming on the horizon that are keeping me steeped in anxiety.
I am a huge empath and I have found that I ultimately come to a place where at the end of the day I feel that my own emotional sponge is full and can’t take in anymore until I step back a bit and recharge my spirit. At school I am often the one that people come to to talk through things or when they need help, both students colleagues. I love to be there to serve- just as my friends have helped me with my own struggles. It brings me joy and purpose. There is an emotional price to pay in giving of yourself over time, though- totally worth it, but I know there is a lesson for me in learning to be empathetic but also staying true to myself and my needs.
Early morning tea and contemplation…
Something is different this time, though; I’m feeling myself approach a momentous crossroads in my life; perhaps a better understanding of who I really am and what my boundaries need to be for me to be healthy and happy.
It is as if I am under water about to break through the murky surface to clarity, finding that long-held perceptions of who I am may be flawed. Could I be stronger than I originally thought? Maybe I have my mother’s quiet and gentle strength that is far more resilient than a strength built on bluster and false perception. I seem to subjugate myself most of the time, happy to stay in the shadows and let others shine, whether through a lack of confidence or just living the role of a polite Southern woman like my mother. Maybe there is more to me than I have allowed myself to believe?
I’m not sure what form this catharsis will take, but a friend thought of it as a shattering of glass, an illusion splintering into hundreds of tiny shards. Whenever and however it comes I welcome it; I am open to grow with it, learn the lessons, and move forward. The winds of change are here and I am ready.