Checking in on Checking Out

I love to write so much, but this recent bout of depression and anxiety has made it tough to focus enough to write. Falling out of the writing routine is frustrating; I miss the daily outlet terribly, as well as the kind dialogue with those who read and comment on my blog. It has become such an important source of connection and reflection in my life. Without writing it seems like I’ve checked out of an important part of who I am.

The medication that my doctor prescribed has helped and I’m beginning to feel a bit more myself after the first few rough weeks of my emotions being all over the place. I still don’t feel like me, but I feel better…I’ll take it. This is the craziest and most stressful time of the school year as the semester winds down with recitals and events happening most every day. All good things, but not much time for the quiet and peace of home that I desperately need right now.

While things are stressful, there are also moments of such beauty. Spring has come to Birmingham, bursts of color everywhere after what has seemed to be such a long winter. My heart soars as my beloved irises have begun to bloom. I look forward each year to their arrival as they come in stages; first the white, then the purple, the yellow, and the last will be the gorgeous indigo.

I got to have a few precious hours working in what I call my ‘Secret Garden’ at the back of our property. Dan is the green thumb of our family, but there is something magical about my garden and flowers and plants thrive there- even with me as their guardian. There is something about bonding with my home by digging in the soil and making things more beautiful that brings me such contentment. Marley is the perfect gardening companion, her gentle presence so calming.

I feel hope in the air as the world reawakens with color bursting everywhere in riotous joy. It’s a time of change, of rebirth, second chances. I’m hoping that I will have my own rebirth, reclaiming the best, most healthy version of myself. Right now there is a scrim between me and my goals, I can see them through a gauzy curtain, opaque at first, but the light shines through it and things become clear, filled with possibilities. I’m so ready to check back in, to bloom right along with my irises.


4 thoughts on “Checking in on Checking Out

  1. I’m so glad to hear that there is hope and calm and even joy back in your life. The iris you photographed remind me of my grandmother’s iris – the same purple and yellow variety. We are all attempting to cultivate our “secret gardens” and some have more luck than others. And it is all luck in this metaphorical life’s garden….

  2. It is such a journey, depression and anxiety, and changing meds, for a while is madness. Suddenly you are not you until everything settles in. Hang in there, your true spirit is of the iris and it will return, as sure as spring.

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