The pandemic has thrown all of us into a tizzy, each of us handling the stress and anxiety differently based on our own individual personalities…and neuroses. For Dan, he is on a mission from God to knock off a ton of his ‘Mr. MacKenzie’ endless to-do lists of home projects. He’s rewiring, painting, cedar-lining closets…and on and on. For me? Well, let’s just say that our home will be very clean and orderly by the end of all this, and I will either look like Linda Hamilton in that last Terminator movie or at least like a much healthier me. I’ll take it.
I don’t know about you, but I am not sleeping well thanks to all of the uncertainty and chaos. No matter what I do or what sleep aids that I take, I wake up in the middle of the night with my mind spinning, worrying. I rarely get back to any restorative sleep, so I get up early and get going with house chores and my daily walk/run with Marley.
Working hard and exercising is the only way I know to deal with the current situation. I am concerned about the world in general, but closer to home for friends who are out of work, as well as what my own job will look like as the pandemic progresses. I’m also very worried about my sweet Dan, who is dealing with some serious repercussions of his traumatic eight day stay in UAB’s COVID Ward. It is difficult for him to talk about what happened without tears, and it breaks my heart.
I think as we all must be, I am fatigued; fatigued by the incessant sad news and the misinformation that leads to even more stress and fear. I am horrified at the number of people needlessly lost to this awful virus. While I am grateful for this time at home with Dan, I miss my friends and colleagues at school, miss my students, miss my life as a performer and teacher. I always do my best to find the good that can come out of difficult times, but it is tough to think of the good when so many have died. In a way, I feel guilty even saying anything positive amidst all of the suffering and loss.
I know that life has to go on, even when it feels incredibly strange and unsettled. I’m sitting on the top deck this morning, feeling the breeze, listening to the birds sing, looking at the beautiful view of Birmingham. It is surreal that here everything seems so normal, when down the hill the hospital is filled with people battling COVID-19. I guess it is just difficult to grasp it all, the stark contrasts.
All I know to do is keep moving forward. Dan and I are doing our best to be careful when we venture out, and trying to enjoy each precious day together. That is the biggest silver lining for me right now, that Dan made it through his ordeal and is home with me, back to working on projects and regaining his strength. That’s enough for now, but I will keep searching for the good in all of the sadness.