The View from Here

I met with my physician on Monday and my therapist on Tuesday, both women for whom I have huge respect. I cried at both of them as I recounted the events that had brought me back to them, but I felt a sense of relief that I’d made the step toward getting help. I want so badly to break this cycle of working too hard, crashing, and repeating ad nausium. I’m just tired of it- and so is my body.

While my heart seems to be fine, unresolved stress is causing all sorts of things that are very unsettling; chest pains, panic attacks, twitching eyes, poor sleep, and emotions that are always close to the surface. I am depressed, sleep-deprived, stressed-out, and my battery is so depleted that just one little thing that normally I wouldn’t think twice about can set me off to quick frustration or tears. I am not myself and am ready to do what it takes to get back ‘home’. Bed bud, Marley…

My doctor prescribed an antidepressant and encouraged me to do daily yoga- even a little bit would help with stress reduction (as I well know). She encouraged me to be gentle with myself, that what I was feeling was completely understandable with what I’d been through since I last saw her. Sleep is another goal…turning off my worrying brain to go to sleep and then staying asleep instead of waking up with the worry blowing every fear out of proportion. Sleepy time…

My therapist – knowing my propensity to overdo everything- encouraged me to think of starting with one percent, just ten minutes each morning of something positive and healthy; yoga, meditation, walking Marley. Just a little bit for now to get me back to my normal routine of daily early morning exercise that has been the norm for me my entire adult life. Such a great way to begin the day…instead of reaching for my phone to start the day with work emails and anxiety, a rabbit hole that I let myself slide down.Fireside peace…

So here’s how I’ve begun, my small steps toward healing; I set my alarm to make sure I’d get up and out of bed early (my old routine). I had laid out my workout clothes and got dressed after feeding the animals. Marley and I headed up to the new portion of the Vulcan Trail and did a wonderful walk/run. It felt so good to be up there above the city with my dog happily trotting next to me. I’m not a good runner- I am slow, but that doesn’t matter. This is about reconnecting with myself and reducing stress. I met my goal of getting up there three times this week. The other days I head out into our neighborhood.

On Thursday I was struggling all day, feeling at the edge of panic for no reason that I could fathom, and making it through the long day felt like a huge accomplishment. I shared with Dan how I was feeling over lunch at home. When I came home at the end of the day, Dan met me on the stairwell, “Honey, I’m ready to go when you are.” I shook my head in confusion. “We’re going on a sushi date!” How blessed I am to share my life with this compassionate, loving, romantic man.

I’ve been going to bed early each night, spending time writing in my new journal, snuggling with Marley and Shiva, focusing on the positive steps I can take and am taking to improve my issues, breathing. I’m doing my best to stay on top of things and find pockets of time to disconnect and have recharge time. That will be key in breaking the cycle and moving on for good. I feel hopeful, visualizing myself slashing through a jungle with my machete of good habits and determination.

Time, patience, and perseverance. I can do this. There will be ups and downs along the way, but I’ll dust off my knees when I fall and keep moving forward.